BethBlog

yesterday i slept in the bed i bought in 2003, right after signing the papers to buy the only house, ive ever bought. last night, i slept in that bed in that house for the last time. I'm in the process of selling that house, and moving to ohio.

exactly one hour away from where i lived twenty years ago.

i have no idea what the next year holds. im alittle excited about whats possible. im a little sad about what i already know going into it. life works that way doesnt it?

im in a hotel. we have some more cleaning to do but since friends from the college came, it made the work MUCH easier and much much faster. Im a little blown away about how SMOOTH this all has been going so far.

Im very sick. im getting better. slowly. ive been sick for weeks. my eyes are still hot and my breath feels contageous. but im overdosing vit c and theralfu, airborne stuff. i love that stuff. i think i would have died a few days ago without it.

but..isnt this very strange, this whole thing? i mean. i bought that house thinking id live there forever, then everything thats happened, the good, the bad and the middle stuff. its just bizaare.

SO...on with the entire adventure.

Make me a willow cabin at your gate,
And call upon my soul within the house;
Write loyal cantons of contemned love
And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
Halloo your name to the reverberate hills
And make the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out...

i rush into the secret house.

"Beautiful" by Meshell Ndegeocello

The Arcade Fire - Wake Up

You better look out below!

my brother had this on his website, and i gotta share it too. go look.

this is in our world. this is what makes it beautiful...

http://vimeo.com/1211060

Last night and yesterday was outstanding.

I woke up, and went to go to the store, when i opened the door, i found that my nieghbors had wallpapered my door wtih happy my birthday wallpaper, and little curly ribbons and a very cute card! Then i got a chance to call my mom at sunrise and tell her thanks and talk a little. Was so great to hear her voice. Shes doing great. THey got electricity in the shop and something died under their house. I got called from friends all day wishing happy birthday and i feel so WARMED inside by how many people i have in my life that remembered.

then another neighbor loaned us his only bike so that andy and i could peddle around. we set out on our adventure and what a gorgeous day for it. we picked up some of my favorite cologne that im convinced no one likes but me. :) so to others ill smell pretty interesting but i LOVE the stuff (angel, its a combination of leather, pouchoulli, chocolate and grapefruit) :) and i got new work shoes!!!

then went by and picked up a rum cake from where i work. the owner makes them herself and truely its the best cake you could ever taste. all from scratch, and while i was there i ran into friends. One gave me a bottle of wine they make themselves. I left a little something for a new coworker who very very graciously worked my shifts for me yesterday so i could have the day off with my boy. Im completely filled with gratitude for the people i have in my life today. I cant say "thank you" enough to express it.

(yesterday the alarm went off again like four times..so we had all gathered and did something about it. it was very funny and that alarm will never go off again. We all threw some water baloons off the balcony at the neighbors car and weve decided to put some soap in them next time, and we will use this method to wash the birdpoo off of peoples cars. :)  I am having great days)

So, then andy and i grabbed our loot and ran home. On the way i got to talk to my oldest son, and a few more friends wishing happy my birthday, then we got home, where my neighbors gathered and we shared cake and wine. it was great. we have the funniest conversations when we gather like that. after all that, andy and i settled down to watch a movie, and i fell asleep watching it sittin up.. .hahahaha....

i woke up thinking of Bob Marley's "stir it up" and i feel FANTASTIC. Today, im 41 and im loved. I have Lilies all over my house! literally!!!! and I'm ecstatic. (my favorite flowers!, and literally, i have bunches of them all over my place!)

i found my little butterflies of happiness. I work a double today and i am a little behind on my math homework but you know what? i have my little boy with me (who isnt so little anymore) and i am queen bee today.

Today, rocks. Thank you friends! Thank you family! I'm GREAT today.

yay. woo. ive got waterballoons. its nice outside too.

forty one years old.

whew. dont feel bad for me though, i look GREAT for my age. seriously great. Thanks to medical intervention ive gotten a new chance to live a real life and hopefully not take so much for granted. Now, other things ive not done so well at, granted, but theres time, and i need to make some plans again to address it. Theres a lot i did right, and i want to make a list of those things to remind myself. (later i will feel like ive wasted alot of time, and ill need this list to remind me that its been a great run).

*  I had my babies early. Im glad i did that. Im young enough to remember what it was like and hopefully can give them real advice that they might actually use. I still hope they make better decisions for themselves and so far, they are! I admire the fortitude my sons have, and the heart..even when its hard.

*  I moved alot. this allowed me to make real friends in many places. Im grateful i have that.

*  I opened and ran my own studio and gallery for five years. IF i could do anything again, It would be that. It was the hardest thing to do and the most fun ive ever EVER had. It was also the most fulfilling and the most rewarding. I pray i get another chance to do that again.

*  I took the math. I put it off till i couldnt anymore, swallowed my pride and im all in it. I was afraid to do it, and im doing it. Also extremely fulfilling.

*  Ive experienced life from all ranges of sizes. I know what its like to walk a block at 330 lbs. i know what its like to dance at a nightclub at 120 lbs. I am comfortable living life at 150 lbs. ive been every size inbetween. I know what its like to look in a mirror and not recognize yourself. I know what its like to catch a reflection and think, "i so got it goin on today!"

*  there have been a few times when ive recognized when to shut my mouth and just be there when someone needed me.  a few. im still working on it.

*  I can make creme brulee.

*  Ive been lucky enough to have people in my life who believe in me, and sometimes they take risks to show that. In turn, this has shown me to take risks for people i believe in. Even when that has sometimes failed, ive NOT regretted it.  Im just better at knowing when to do it, and when to pass. 

*  I can knit. badly. but i can knit.

*  Ive only ridden a motorcycle once, and it was a harley davidson. It didnt crash, and no i didnt wear a helmet.

*   I can make bread from scratch, good bread too.

*  I paint extraordinarilly well. :)

*  I know how to play a flute, a clarinet, and a piccallo. I can read music.

*  Ive watched many sunrises in many places. never fails to fill me with a sense of hope and joy. Sunset is my favorite time of the day, and ive seen a lot of those too. Everything turns orange and pink, and the day, and whatever it held, is over and its time to reflect on it, relax, and figure out how tomorrow could be even better.

theres more, but thats all i can do today. My birthday is wednesday. Im trying to focus on what i got going right.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qffy3Zpt7cc

im diggin this song these days.

things are great. im doin okay. i got a job waiting tables at a good place, still in school too. i have the last half of a show going on today. it starts in an hour. i get to stand around my paintings that arent selling and talk to people, maybe make some friends. I really am okay. I miss everybody. im fighting off a dissappointed type of sadness that i think is part of just where i am with everything. its quiet, too quiet, often.

still...ya know?

While we're on the subject
Could we change the subject now?
I was knocking on your ears
Don't worry, you were always out
Looking towards the future
We were begging for the past
Well, we know we had the good things
But those never seemed to last
Oh, please just last

Everyone's unhappy
Everyone's ashamed
Well we all just got caught looking
At somebody else's page
Well, nothing ever went
Quite exactly as we planned
Our ideas held no water
But we used them like a dam

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
Saying, "Yes, this is a fine promotion"
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

Of course everyone goes crazy
Over such and such and such
We made ourselves a pillar
But we just used it as a crutch
We were certainly uncertain
At least I'm pretty sure I am
Well, we didn't need the water
But we just built that good goddamn

Oh, and I know this of myself
I'd assume as much for other people
Oh, and I know this of myself
We've listened more to life's end gong
Than the sound of life's sweet bells

Was it ever worth it?
Was there all that much to gain?
Well, we knew we'd missed the boat
And we'd already missed the plane
We didn't read the invite
We just danced at our own wake
All our favorites were playing
So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
Sitting, drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

Oh, and we carried it all so well
As if we got a new position
Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
But not the skills to make a shelf with
Oh, what useless tools ourselves

"no im happy, in that crying sort of way naked in the shower wishing you were dead sort of way."